Change Vs. Consistency

Since getting married, each year has brought about considerable changes. Only 2 months after we celebrated our first anniversary Matt’s health had spiraled down to the point where he was skin and bones (literally!) laying in a hospital bed with TB, pneumonia and out of control ulcerative colitis. Matt had to leave his job, we moved out of our beloved first apartment and withdrew all our long term savings, losing half of them because of timing (2008 market crash) just to mention a few things that assailed us during that time. A month shy of a year later, seeking some stability for Matt’s unpredictable health we decided to have the malfunctioning colon removed, presenting a whole new plethora of daily challenges. After a roller coaster year to partial recovery we found ourselves packing up our stuff to move to Burnaby for Matt to start a one year pastoral internship at Willingdon Church.

The above paragraph barely scratches the surface of the first 3 years of our marriage. Looking over it in words, it seems so simplified, maybe it wasn’t that bad. But is was very hard, very messy, very testing and faith producing. Every hurdle, every challenge, every obstacle, every tear was an opportunity for God to show his faithfulness, his love and his grace in our lives.

To continue, thirteen months of health struggles, successes and huge job decisions has landed us were we are now; moving to East Van and starting a Church Planting apprenticeship. As we plan for the move that will be taking place in the next few weeks, I wonder, how long will this season last? How long will we be living in this basement suite or be at Reality for? We have said two years, but that is one year of being a part of the Church as a pastoral couple and then the next year (maybe less) will be preparing for our own plant. Will that be long enough to feel a sense of consistency?

I have always been the one to enjoy change, but now it is losing it’s luster. Maybe I am getting old. I am very excited for the up coming move and changes, but deep down there is a part of me that is just wanting to sink into a totally normal, predictable rhythm for at least one year. Completely void of emergency rooms, blood transfusions, life altering decisions and the like. There is definitely a conflict inside me between my enjoyment in change and my desire for regularity. I can’t figure out if there is somehow a right or wrong way to feel, considering they are opposites. Is it wrong to crave consistency even though God so clearly has me on a path of annual change? How much harder would it be to add child into the mix. I can only imagine my desire for consistency would deepen. I want to not only be okay with the changes, but have joy, rest in Him and flourish where ever He places me, no matter how volatile the situation is.

I feel like a field that is tilled every fall and planted with something new every season. Experiencing continual weeding, pruning and even uprooting. I know God is changing me, purifying me and making me the tiniest bit more like Him with every challenge, all for His glory and my good. No matter how “normal” my life might be He will not stop working on me. It is moments like this where I need to remind myself, this is not my home. It will never be. As comfortable as I try to make myself here I will always have an inward groaning for another place. The place I was created for, heaven.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Confession

So the plan was to blog about Chicago and tell you what an awesome time it was. How great the Gospel Coalition conference and speakers were. What I learned, the books I bought and all about getting stuck in Minneapolis over night.

Or I could reflect on Good Friday and Easter, what could be more important then the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ? Well nothing actually and I could probably come up with some encouraging compelling things to say that would make me feel really spiritual and maybe convince my self that I really am doing okay. But the truth is I'm not okay. And I hate blogging when I don't have it all together. I would rather wait till I'm through the thick of it and write looking back in joyful reflection of God's grace on my life.

But here I am unable to find anything to distract myself from the fragile state of my heart. Here it is; we have being "trying" to conceive for 6 months now. I just got my period yesterday, enough said, right? This is such a surprise, I never guessed that it would be us who would be unable to get pregnant. I know, I know, it is only 6 month, average is 6 months to 1 year anyway. But who doesn't expect to get pregnant right way? It is what our bodies were designed for. Yes, I'm regular, I have not been on the pill for well over 1.5 years, I eat healthy, take vitamins, exercises, drink lots of water, I'm not super stress, I rarely drink alcohol and never exceed 2 cups of coffee in the day, but usually only have one. Is there anything else? Before we jump to Matt, 80% of infertility is because of the woman. He is healthier than he has ever been (though still loosing blood daily) He is eating well, taking vitamins, exercising (like crazy!) drinking water, sleeping well and is only stressed occasionally. Finally, everything is fine in the bed room.

So then, what is going on? Of course it is all in God's perfect timing right. But every month when the evidence appears that I'm definitely not growing a tiny blessing inside, my heart breaks. All month long I pray, pray, pray. I check my heart to make sure I'm not making an idol of it, but I pray that God would bless us with what I know He designed me for. It makes me feel sick when I realize that every month I don't get pregnant means one more month at my job, away from the home where my heart truly is.

That is it. It is very difficult to not be jealous of the zillions of babies and pregnant woman that are every where I go. My evil hearts says "God I thought I already dealt with my impossible challenge! Why me, why us? We are committing everything to you, giving up so many comforts for your calling. Why would you not bless us with a child? Why would you give me such a deep yearning since I was so young to be a mother? I know you must have a reason and purpose but I just can't see it and it is breaking my heart!"

At the risk of making this way to long I will conclude as briefly as possible. First, I realized that though I thought we were controlling not having a baby the first few years of our marriage, once we decided to "try" I anticipated that meant instant pregnancy. When that didn't happen I was forced to realize I was not in control even from the beginning. There is nothing in my power that I can to to make myself pregnant, NOTHING! That is a shocking reminder of the illusion of control I have over other area's of my life as well. Second, it is possible with out this time of purifying (we'll call it) I might have ended up looking to motherhood for fulfillment and contentment that only God can bring, as I have spent at least 75% of my life joyfully anticipating motherhood. Third, praying, praying, praying. Yet another profound season of constant, desperate prayer, with many more to come I'm sure. And forth, empathy. Looking forward there is a pretty good chance that we will be having to counsel other couples through either temporary or permanent infertility. This time has and will enable us to encourage, pray for and cry with those couples in a deeper way than if we had not experienced this difficult time.

My heart is breaking but I am thankful for Romans 8:28

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

The Road less Traveled

So you probably didn't know this because I have not shared it, but my dearest wonderful husband was offered a position at Willingdon Church. They offered him the young adults pastor position! He has been blessed with unbelievable favor at Willingdon. I know he is amazing but it was recognized by many, many pastors and leaders there. Of course it is only by God's grace Matt found such favor. We have spent the past 2 months (feels like much longer) on a roller coaster of deciding between staying at Willingdon or Church Planting BC. We have never been in this position before. We look down each road as far as we could possibly conceive and can see so clearly how God could bless each one. Two doors wide open seemingly equal. Or as the Frost poem goes,

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could"

My husband is such a deep thinker, when it comes to such big decisions he goes back and forth from one extreme to the other in sometimes a matter of days. It drives me crazy, but by God's grace I had patience and peace that God would direct us in the choice. Part of the problem was that I feel perfectly happy and at peace with either one. A highlight of each would be, staying at Willingdon means a possibility of having them help Matt get his Masters (or at least start it), a stable, secure place to start family and for Matt's health to stabilize. Church Planting BC, following the original felt call, Matt being able to use his gift more freely, more opportunity to reach the lost. Matt is an evangelist! I didn't have a clue when I married him, but praise the Lord, my heart soars far above the earth when I hear him preach the pure gospel, Christ crucified.

With just a glimpse I hope you can see that both roads seem very good, even godly. Both sides so excited to have us with them, recognizing Matt's gifts and call.

I have become even more of a prayer reliant wife.

Finally after a few months of prayer, conversations, more prayer and more conversations, God has guided my husband to make a decision. This past week he pulled the plug on the conversion with Willingdon in asking them to take him off the table for the position. It actually took two tries, the first time they asked him to wait, but the next day he sat down again with them again. Willingdon was really disappointed. There are certain people who were really praying we would stay, those conversions are the hardest. I am very relieved to have that over, for now.

So call me a Church Planters wife again, well at least in September.

I'm so thankful for God's grace and guidance in this decision, and for a godly husband.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference"

Breaking the Silence

Well, it has been a while. The longer it is the harder it becomes to blog. I never know where to start. So much and so little to say all at the same time. I felt like if I just start of with something to "break the silence" maybe it won't be so long till the next time I blog again.

Recently I have been working on spending more time expressing myself through creative projects I enjoy. I think it feeds my soul. Sometimes I wonder why I get so much pleasure out of creating. I wonder if it is worth while for me to spend my time and energy making things. Then I remember God is the ultimate creator. I probably love it so much because I am His child, created in His likeness. When I look at it from that perspective it only makes since. It is simply a love I inherited from my heavenly father. That being said, I've been spending more time drawing, painting, knitting and crafting in general. It brings me so much joy. Oh, I wish I had a sewing machine. I sometimes day dream of all the things I would make. No sense in getting one now though, we don't even have a table to put it on, not even a desk for that matter. 517 square feet leaves only room for the necessities. No complaints though, all in due time.

I am also working on (or being worked on, rather) being content with what I have. In some area's this is easy, in other area's I feel my foolish heart will never learn. For example I am perfectly happy never owning my (our) own home. On the other had for some reason I always "need" a particular item of clothing. Black flats, a new sweater, pants for work, a new jacket. Little things, things I would not spend more than $20.00 on, but I think about them until I have them. If only I could channel my determination into something a bit more useful. Some how I get confused, I start thinking that thing I want will make me feel content. Wrong! Of course it is wrong, but my fleshly thoughts are so sneaky. I am very thankful to be married for many reasons, but because of my struggle in this area I am extra grateful to God for my dear husband. He is very gentle about it, but always lets me know when I am being lead by me fleshly desires and not my God given ones. Many times he is so right it makes me mad! How foolish I can be.

On the other hand, I am reaping the fruit of submission to God's conviction and my husbands gentle leading. I have more joy! More peace and more freedom when I listen. When I put to death my fleshly desires. Of course there are more ways then just wanting new clothing that I notice my discontentment. Much more serious ways. It is absolutely necessary for me to realize, it is not about the clothes, it is about the idolatry in my heart. It is the fleshing out of me not truly believing in my heart that He is enough for me. His grace is enough for me!

I never get sick of that song, even though I think we sing it every Sunday and then some. If that is what it takes to remind me, His grace is enough for me, then I'll sing it all day everyday.

"Your grace is enough, your grace is enough, your grace is enough for me"!

Christmas Memories

This is the first year I will not be home for Christmas! Due the nature of my husband's job we need to be here for Christmas eve as well as Boxing day because it is a Sunday and there are regular services. Leaving us with the option of driving to and from Kelowna on Christmas day... no thanks.

So many people have been asking me if we will be in Kelowna for Christmas, it made me start to think of my favorite memories as a child.

The day my Dad brought home the Christmas tree was always a big deal in the Burke family. So much so that starting December 1st whenever my Dad would come home from work we would all rush to the door, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" we would grab his hands and smell them to see if they smelled of pine. If they didn't we had to wait another day, if they did it meant there was a perfect tree sitting in the carport! When I started to think about it, many of my favorite memories were centered around the Christmas tree. A day or two after the tree came home it was time to decorate. All the boxes of ornaments would be dug out of the storage under the stairs and brought up to the living room. Mom and I would let the boys go at it first, but the special bows and the pearls were our job. Once they were finished we took over moving whichever ones we though were out of place. Then we would place the bows and pearls perfectly, it was always so beautiful. Next came many evenings of gathering around the tree after supper for long games I-spy as we listened to Amy Grants Tennessee Christmas or Nana Mouskouri's Christmas album. I also had my very own mini tree that I took great pride in decorating. Christmas morning our parents would let us open our stockings before waking them up, to get some extra much needed sleep. Every year we would decide whose room to open our stockings in based on how nicely they were decorated. I was the usual host of course! Until we got too big and didn't all fit into my tiny room anymore, so I would help my brothers decorate their rooms to meet my standards. Another memory is coming inside after a long day of playing out in the snow (back in the days Kelowna had snow for Christmas), to my mother having made real hot chocolate and popcorn. To this day I feel like the three all go together. Exhausted and chilled we would pull off all our snow covered things and find places for them to hang to be dry for the next day. Then we would all sit around our big table with a tingling fingers clinging to the mugs of hot chocolate. We would even dip our butter covered popcorn in the steamy hot chocolate, yummy!

I feel very blessed to have had such loving parents who helped to create so many wonderfully warm memories surrounding the Christmas season.

Thanks Mom & Dad!

Merry Christmas, I hope you can take time and reflect on the blessings of God in your life especially the one we have in Jesus Christ.

It is time...

... for an update!

It has been a while. In away it seems a lot has happened since I blogged last and at the same time nothing at all.

Here are a few numbers for you:

4- the number of months it has been since we moved to Burnaby.

12- dollars, how much I spent on our new Christmas tree.

1- the number of times I've fainted in my life, happened last week! Side note: I'm fine it was a simple fainting spell.

19-days till Christmas!

0-Christmas cards I have made and mailed... and number of presents purchased.

5-wonderful Christian women who I have met and are mentoring me without knowing it.

2-beautiful stockings

11-months since Matt was in the hospital last.

71- My dear husbands hemoglobin level, only 10 points higher than when when he was in the hospital with TB, UC and phenomena in 2008, when they gave him an emergency blood transfusion!

The last one is a bit of a shocker to us. We have been trying to find a GP since we arrived here but no one is accepting patients. Finally we found out that an elder at Willingdon is a Dr. Matt explained his situation and asked him for a referral. Dr. G graciously (and by God's grace to us) took both Matt and I on. After our first appointment Matt had some blood work and other tests done to see where he was starting from. Dr. G just called Matt tonight quite alarmed after getting Matt's results back. I don't know if you remember from before but the average man his age and size should be at 140, Matt's is at half that. No wonder he has been tired and had difficulty getting up in the morning. It is a miracle he can function at all. Thankfully he is having an emergency appointment with Dr. G tomorrow to figure out a game plan. I know this is very frustrating for Matt because this was the reason we had surgery in the first place, to stop him from constantly loosing blood. It has come like an unsuspected punch in the stomach. This is not where we are supposed to be with his health, it is supposed to be getting better after surgery not worse. We are so blessed to have a faithful, sovereign God. One who knew his hemoglobin level all along. This is not a surprise to Him!

Please pray for Matt, but also thank God with us too. He will be glorified in Matt, he has been sustaining Matt through 4 months of 50-60 hours of work a week. He has been doing great things though Matt at Willingdon. He has continued to provide what we need financially, he is so faithful. He has been teaching me and growing me so much in these 4 months, it has been very hard at points but His love is unwavering! We are so excited to be seeking His will for our lives where ever it takes us and how ever it looks.

There is a first for everything....

"There is a first for everything" and expression we have all heard before, and probably have even used before. There are firsts for a great many things, but really in the way we use it, I think it is a but of an exaggeration... just a bit. There are many things I will never have a first for. I will never be hired as the COE of a large corporation, just not happening. I will never grow feet out of my hands and start walking around upside down. I will never walk on the sun, or even the moon for that matter. I will never be a famous chemist or a run way model.

But, that being said there are many many things that have happened or will happen to me of the first time. I'm sure you can think of many yourself even in the last week. For the fun of it I will try to think of a few first since I moved to Burnaby.

First time...

living in a condo (all 517 sq ft)

having no bedroom closet

having the washer and drier in a closet in my bathroom

seeing a transvestite and being aware of it

attending a Church of 5000

seeing an unwrapped condom right in the middle of the sidewalk.(sorry... it's Van!)

taking the skytrain as a resident of Vancouver

owning a bike a newer, one that wasn't made in the 80's or early 90's

having 4 house plants at the same time (love it)

being a minority

walking in the mall and feeling tall (yup!)

being fired....

having the car towed (that was my husband by the way) ... and being fired on the same day, at the same time.

So ya, there are more but I can't think of them right now. The reason I was thinking about firsts for everything was I got fired today!! Crazy right. Me, fired. Never thought that would happen, but it did. When it was happening I almost interrupted the guy with "you joking right?" I thought he was! I'm a great employee, hard working, smart, great people skills, organized, ethical, punctual, cheerful. Anyway, even now I'm still in shock. His reasons were that he thought I just could not handle how busy it was! Strange that the girl who was crying when it was busy didn't get fired but I who remained calm and upbeat the whole time did... something is not right here. It is actually a bit funny to me, I know the reasons he told me are not the real ones.

Other than pure shock, the feeling I have is relief. I really didn't like the job anyway. He never gave me what he promised for hours, the girls were super catty and rude. The schedule was all over the place and I really didn't like working till 9:30 pm. Yesterday I actually spent the afternoon handing out resumes and walking around trying to get idea's of where else to work, checking on craigslist and email out my resume as well. So it is not as if I actually wanted to keep the job, but I was hoping to find a new one before I left the last one. Also ruined my perfect record.

Well God knows what he is doing, I'll just keep praying and trusting Him. He is so good and faithful. His way is perfect. I just really want to find a job where we can save enough money for me to go to school, but His will be done.