Relentless Patience

I just started the story of Moses this morning. God meets Moses through the burning bush, He calls himself "I AM WHO I AM" which is a whole other blog in itself (pretty crazy cool statement, I just love it!). Then I AM tells Moses, He is going to use him to free the Israelites from the oppression of the Egyptians. Moses is like, "Ummm, b-b-b-but God I'm not very good at t-t-t-talking, so you should probably find someone else." At that point, if I was God I would have smacked Moses upside the head. Moses you idiot, I just told you I AM WHO I AM!, isn't that enough for you? But God is far more patient that I am (thank God!). He does reprimand Moses though:

"Then the LORD said to him, "Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?" Exodus 4:11

Even after this Moses still insists God has the wrong guy for the job. The Lord is so patient with him. He even is so gracious as to give Moses his brother Aaron to do the public speaking for him. This shows me two things, God will accomplish His purpose no matter how rebellious His people are and God still uses us even though we don't believe Him like we should.

Think over the story of Moses as much as you can remember. God to did some insanely amazing things through Moses. There were the plagues, escape from Egypt, the parting of the Red Sea, the pillars of smoke and fire, the 10 commandments, the manna and quail, just to name a few. The same Moses screwed up, was stubborn, faithless and rebellious through out the whole journey to the promise land. How is that possible? Why would God use such a messed up guy? Yet He did and still does. It is almost like God prefers to use the weak... (that was kind of sarcastic, we know he does, 1 Cor 1:27)!

All this is very comforting to me as a stubborn woman who wants her own way and doesn't usually learn the first time around. I look at my life and think, wow, God has been very gracious to me. Yet so often choose to wallow in self pity because my life doesn't look the way I thought it would. Then I become even more frustrated with myself because of my lack of trust in God and how I am far more concerned with my own will than His. I seem to never quite get it. I feel like Moses, "but God I can't..." fill in the blank. Yet God is relentlessly patient with me. He is so gracious! He is so good. He will accomplish His purpose through me. Why? Because it is not about me, what I can or can't do. It is about HIM, what He is doing.

Jesus

I feel the need to share how I have been convicted twice now in the past few weeks.

The first time was when we were in Quebec City, the speaker was talking about gospel fluency and loving Jesus. He told a story about a young Christian guy in there community group who really enjoyed movies. A lady that came to there community group that was not a believer observed that he talked more about movies and was more passionate about sharing his opinion on them than he was about Jesus and the gospel. The speaker asked the question of us, "What would other people who know you say you are the most passionate about?" Yikes! I thought, for me I know it would not be Jesus, it would probably be fashion. Ouch. I let that thought go, but became painfully aware where most of my conversations went in the following weeks. Especially with women, it was shoes and hair and clothing. It was like God granted me a unique view on myself in conversation, I was observing myself externally. I was cut to the core. How is it possible that I am more passionate about fashion than Jesus! Jesus who dies for my sins, baring the wrath of God on Himself and giving me his perfect righteousness. Not because of anything I have done or could ever do, but simply because he loves me, and ultimately for His glory.

The second moment that drove the first conviction home was last night at the Church Planting BC banquet, a young apprentice was sharing the word with us and asked the question, "when the door is closed and the lights are off, where does your mind go first?" It breaks my heart and brings me to tears as I write to answer that question truthfully. My thoughts most often, when I am falling asleep at night, are what am I going to wear tomorrow and how will I do my hair! I so desperately wish I could tell you in all honesty I think of Jesus, but I don't!

So with a fresh understanding and reminder of how depraved I am in my flesh, I am humbled. I see myself and think how could He possibly love me? Chose me? Work through me? He is so patient, so gracious, so faithful, so kind and so good! I don't love Him, praise Him, honor Him, worship Him, speak of Him as I should, yet He remains the same towards me. He does not waver or hold back His love. He still pursues me, calls me, draws me and embraces me in is massive, loving fatherly arms!

As Paul says in Romans 7:24 & 25

"Wretched (wo)man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."

.... Romans 8:1-5

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit."

So sisters, please dare with me to ask yourself the same two question, everyday if necessary.

What do you talk about the most? What would other people say you are the most passionate about?

When the lights are off and the door is closed what is your first thought? Where does you mind go first when you are alone?

Sovereignty

As women, I believe it is absolutely vital that we have solid theology. It is easy enough to be content with the basics of the gospel. God create the earth, man sinned, Jesus the son of God was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, died for our sins, bore the wrath of God upon himself, rose from the dead, ascended to heaven and is coming again. This is very important to know and believe. But this is a skeleton. It brings you to a saving relationship with God the Father. We can't just stop there, leaving the deep stuff to the men. Should I care about the perfect sovereignty of God, the inerrancy of scripture, pineal substitutionary atonement, election, total depravity and so forth? Of course the answer is yes, yes, yes!

I believe it is essential to have a robust view of the meticulous sovereignty of God. Meaning God is in total control of everything and ordained every single detail of every single moment of history. Think of a rain drop, God is in control of where it falls, when it falls, at what speed and what quantity of water it contains. From the huge details, like the location of continents and World Wars, to small details like the color of your eyes, but also the seemingly unimportant details like how many leaves are on each tree in the whole world or when and how each ant dies. Allow your self a moment to think of all the biggest and smallest things that are occurring on this planet. Our Father God isn't only in control of each thing (as we discuses in the previous blog "Powerful") he actually planned every single detail before he created the earth.

How can we possibly deal with pain, suffering, sickness, death, poverty, infertility, betrayal and all of the hardships in life, if we don't believe in a God who is completely in control of every last detail?

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Phillipians 1:6

Ephesians 2:10 "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

God had blessed me from a young age with a deep love for scripture which led me to see his meticulous sovereignty. If he had not blessed me with this understanding of him I honestly don't know what I would have done through out my husband's illnesses and times in the hospital. Sitting beside Matt in the hospital, totally powerless except for prayer, while he was weak and gripped with excruciating pain. During the times of having to go to bed at night while he was curled in pain up on the floor unable to eat or drink, but I had to go to work in the morning, so all I could do was pray as I fell asleep. Yet I had peace! Through countless hospital visits, all the complications, disappointments and frustrations. Yes, God blessed me with a peace that passes understanding, but I believe that peace was rooted in the understanding that we were in the center of our loving Fathers will, not only that but he planned every detail before there was time. And that ultimately it would work out for His glory. So if there was a moment of weakness or selfishness, it was only because I wanted my glory more than His.

1 Peter 5:10"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

This is my favorite doxology,

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
"For who has known the mind of the Lord,
or who has been his counselor?"
"Or who has given a gift to him
that he might be repaid?"

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:33-36

Powerful

"Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created."Revelations 4:11

God is powerful. Far beyond our understanding. He created everything. He merely spoke and everything that we know, and have not yet discovered, came in to existence. There was nothing, darkness and a void as Genesis says, and then there was everything. Because of his will he created. I can sit down and exert my will, every last ounce of it, but nothing will happen. I can try to speak things that are not into existence, but nothing will happen. Why? Because I am powerless, I am limited to only create from what God has already created.

The following verses are all in reference to Jesus.

Colossians 1:17 says. "And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together."

or Romans 11:36, "For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen."

Finally, Hebrews 1:3 "He is radiance of the glory of God and the imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power."

Of course, I can never say it better that the Word of God does, but what I can do is bring some of the scripture together to show you what is undeniable. One might picture God on his thrown in heaven, arms crossed peering down at earth every now and again to make sure we don't make a total mess of things. But scripture shows us that is completely incorrect, he is so utterly involved, he is constantly, unceasingly sustaining the earth! Not only did he create everything by his word, but it only continues to exist by his word, minute to minute, second to second. You only take your next breath because it is God's will to give it to you.

From the greatest miracle, to the tiniest detail, God is perpetually, willfully sustaining it all. God is carrying the earth in it's orbit and causing every single rotation. If he stopped we would lose gravity... then what? We can only try to imagine what chaos that would be.

No matter who we are or who long we have been a Christian, our view of God too small, in fact it is miniscule. That is not an insult, it is simply the truth. Our finite minds can not comprehend and infinite God. But that does not mean we shut off our brains and stop trying. On the contrary, it should inspire us to know every bit of Him we possibly can!

"... the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints." Col 1:26 (Paul is referring to the Preeminence of Christ which he was speaking of in Col 1:15-21, a great read but too long to tackle in an already long post.)

As humans, in our rational minds we measure everything, time, distance, speed, age, sound, energy, mass and the list goes on. But we do not have a human measurement system to measure the power of God by. The thing is we should not use the word powerful to define God, on the contrary we should use God to define the word powerful. What I am trying to say is that in the same way we say, "God is love" instead of "God has love" which would mean it is in a measurable amount. We can say "God is power", and let all other powers be brought to scale using him as the standard.

I know this is already long, I may have lost some of you, but what is the point of all this if it doesn't change us? It is useless to know about God, the Pharisee's knew about God and we all know how JC felt about them! Better understanding the power of God should cause us to love him more, desire him more, dig more deeply into his word, long for his glory in our lives more, to trust him more and seek out His will our lives.

More

This morning as I was reading my Bible, Rev. 2:4 “But this I have against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.”, I realized that it has been a long time since I felt a deep surge of love and joy, in and for my Savior. As painful as this is to admit, I have been spiritually stagnant. I have been in this place for far too long. My heart has been too satisfied by finite things, earthly things, and selfish things. I find my tendency is to get caught up in everything other than knowing my heavenly Father more. But I came to the place this morning where I am not okay with it any longer. It is destressing to realize once again that I don’t love Him as I should, I don’t desire him as I should, I don’t fear Him, serve Him or find joy in Him as I should. I hate that. The disgust I feel with the state of my own heart is a gift from God for which I am thankful. The desire for deeper intimacy with him has filled me like a cup under a dripping faucet, one drop at a time until it finally spills over. I can’t be content any longer; I must have more of Him!

There is a split second of confusion… but how? Then I am flooded with gratefulness for the Word. I am so thankful that I know if I seek Him I will find (Matt 7:7 & Jer 29:13), if I ask for wisdom He will give it to me (James 1:5), if I wait on Him I will find rest for my soul (Matt 11:29), if I ask for more of the Spirit He will give it generously (Luke 11:13). Over the past few years I have grown in my reliance on God for my physical needs. I am blessed to say that most of the time my first reaction to a physical need, great or small, is to pray and ask my heavenly Father and then trust that he will provide. When I comes to my spiritual needs and growth I usually try to slug along in my own strength, acting like it is in my own hands. If I just try hard enough I can do it, right? But this always brings me to a place of exhaustion, frustration and even despair, down on my knees before my Savior. Not only is He the only one who can satisfy my spiritual needs, but He wants to bless me to over flow, to be brimming with His glory.

I am reminded of a great quote by C. S Lewis from his Book “The Weight of Glory”

“Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak.
We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

I definitely could not say it any better. I encourage you to ask yourself, “Am I too easily pleased?” What a wonderful, amazing God we serve. He is so far beyond our comprehension, so perfect and holy and yet he wants to be known by us! Jesus humbled Himself, even to death on a cross (Phil 2:8) to restore us to right relationship with the Father. So then, “Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God; let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

Sisters, let us press in to know Him more. If you recognize that you don’t even desire Him the way you should, pray. Ask Him to give you a desire to know Him more, a desire to be consumed by Him. He will do it! Grab you Bible and your journal sit down, dig in and ask for more.

Provision: Part 3

"But seek first the kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:33-34

In the Old Testament God commands the Israelites to remember what He has done. The passover was to remember and was also a beautiful foreshadowing of the death of Jesus for our sins. When they crossed the Jordan River to enter the promise land God commanded them to build a monument so they would remember what He had done. Many times the Israelites are instructed by God to remember to remember the miracles. I deeply believe in the importance of remembering and sharing what God has done. David said, "I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together." Ps 34:1-3

My goal in sharing this is that you would exalt His name with me.

This story of Gods provision may be minor in comparison to Him providing a place to live, blessing my job situation or keeping my husband alive. But to me it shows how loving He is and faithful in the smaller details. When we first got married God blessed us with the money to by a beautiful good quality loveseat and sofa set. Upon moving to Vancouver we had to leave behind our sofa due to lack of space. The new place we are moving into has space restrictions as well but we are determined to figure out the best way to fit the most people in our living room with out making it too crowded.

After a trip to Ikea and a perfect to scale drawing of the new place (thanks to my dear husbands carpentry skills) we hashed out a plan on how to maximize seating without cramping the space. This meant the TV got the boot to the second bedroom. We also realized there was no way to fit a loveseat and a sofa in together. We picked out the perfect combo, a sofa with chaise lounge attached from Ikea, we even picked out the material we wanted. The only problem was the cost. Not that we couldn't take it out of our saving but we were debating how important it was for us to have that exact set up. We prayed and trusted that God would provide what He wanted. My heart was firm, we would not spend the extra money we would find something else on Craigslist. So I typed into the Craigslist search, "Karlstad sofa with chaise lounge" Bingo! The day before someone had posted one... Crazy right. Crazier still it was the exact material we had pick. It was still available and it was half the price of the new one. It had hardly been used. On top of it all, the girl selling it was storing it at her mothers. The mother said she didn't mind keeping it there until we were able to pick it up, even if it was until we moved to our new place saving us having to move it twice. But seriously, the exact couch with chaise lounge in the exact material we wanted. God, you are so good!

I'm sure you know this already, but it is not about the sofa. As Matt and I move forward in what God has called us to it will be hard. There will be all kinds of opposition. First off our own sinful nature that would rather pursue pleasure and comfort. Well meaning Christians who don't understand the vision. The practical aspect of fleshing our what we need to do in the place and time we live in. Spiritual opposition that will only get stronger the more we seek first the Kingdom and the more God uses us to call people enslaved to sin to himself. The list could go on, but you get the point. We know God has called us to reach the lost people in Vancouver. We feel the best way to do this is through prayer, the living out and preaching of the gospel, personal discipleship and family-like community. As challenges come God has blessed us with so many "Jordan crossings" that we can be confident we are exactly where He wants us. When I'm feeling overwhelmed and confused or frustrated, I can make my cup of tea, grab my Bible and journal and curl up in my Karlstad sofa chaise lounge in "Sivik Dark Gray" and remember how God brought us this far. How He is faithful in the big and small things.

"Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable. One generation will commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts. On the glorious splendor of your majesty and on your wondrous works, I will mediate. They will speak of the might of your awesome deeds and I will declare your greatness. They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness and sing aloud your righteousness."

Ps 145:3-7

Will be continued sometime in the future, I'm sure.

Provision: Part 2

"But seek first the kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:33-34

It has been 3 months, maybe longer since Matt and I started discussing my work situation and wondering if it would be best to change it. I like my job, but I'm not a career woman. I have always felt like a square peg in a round hole at my jobs and among the ladder climbing woman I have worked with. It has been the cause of many, many tears and frustrations for me. I can't seem to do the Christian-wife-full-time-work-housekeeper-cook thing and not drop the ball some where. Or if I'm not dropping the ball in an area, I'm on edge and totally stressed. Let's be honest when you drop the ball it is never my work that suffers, it is usually my time with God that whittles down to little or none. As the discussion began I was overwhelm with a feeling of failure. Why can't I keep it all together? It seems like other woman can do it, they make it look easy even. So why can't I?

Well first of all, who are those other women? Good question right. "They" are out there for all of us. Those women who seem to manage to do the thing we can't perfectly. They look perfect, have perfect clean house, adoring husbands, University degrees, great careers, perfect children, love Jesus, are serving at church, the whole bloody gambit! (They would never say bloody!) She has it all together, right? But who are they? Can you name one that you actually have a relationship with? I can't, but for some reason I still think "They" are out there, those perfect women. But "They" don't exist!

So after more tearful conversations, Matt and I decided I would quit my job and find part time work. Not so I could laze around, I'm not the lazing type. Actually I have the opposite problem, I would run myself ragged to make sure everything gets done. As we start at the new church something that is extremely imporant to us is community. I'm not talking about small groups, I mean living life together as a family. Having our home open to people. Inviting people into our lives to be discipled, loved and nurtured, both physically and spiritually. Working full time including my daily commute, being a good wife, staying on top of the house work and meals, not to mention nurturing my own relationship with God, leaves me no room to add anything. I know it is important to see my job as a blessing from God for the way it supports us financially and also I know my work is a mission field in itself, but The most precious commodity I have is time. I want to be investing my time in more things that are eternally valuable.

The morning I planned to give notice, driving in Matt said, "Wouldn't it be cool if they changed it to a part time position for you?" Yes, it would be cool, but it has always been a full time position, it needs to be. So I walked into my manager's office, letter in hand to let her know I was going to leave in a month. I let her know I like the job and was only leaving because I needed to be working part time. She said, "Would you stay if we could make it part time for you?", Ah YES! And that is what happened. She got it approved by the Executive Director. We hashed out a plan. I would start off with just Fridays off until they hired someone for our dept. that they have been looking for since she let someone go in March. Once that person was trained the two assistants in our dept. would each work a day at reception and I would work three!

Praise the Lord, only he could do that. He is so good, so faithful! He alone will be glorified on this earth and for eternity!

"Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen." Hebrews 13:20&21

To be continued...