Friday, April 22, 2011

Confession

So the plan was to blog about Chicago and tell you what an awesome time it was. How great the Gospel Coalition conference and speakers were. What I learned, the books I bought and all about getting stuck in Minneapolis over night.

Or I could reflect on Good Friday and Easter, what could be more important then the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ? Well nothing actually and I could probably come up with some encouraging compelling things to say that would make me feel really spiritual and maybe convince my self that I really am doing okay. But the truth is I'm not okay. And I hate blogging when I don't have it all together. I would rather wait till I'm through the thick of it and write looking back in joyful reflection of God's grace on my life.

But here I am unable to find anything to distract myself from the fragile state of my heart. Here it is; we have being "trying" to conceive for 6 months now. I just got my period yesterday, enough said, right? This is such a surprise, I never guessed that it would be us who would be unable to get pregnant. I know, I know, it is only 6 month, average is 6 months to 1 year anyway. But who doesn't expect to get pregnant right way? It is what our bodies were designed for. Yes, I'm regular, I have not been on the pill for well over 1.5 years, I eat healthy, take vitamins, exercises, drink lots of water, I'm not super stress, I rarely drink alcohol and never exceed 2 cups of coffee in the day, but usually only have one. Is there anything else? Before we jump to Matt, 80% of infertility is because of the woman. He is healthier than he has ever been (though still loosing blood daily) He is eating well, taking vitamins, exercising (like crazy!) drinking water, sleeping well and is only stressed occasionally. Finally, everything is fine in the bed room.

So then, what is going on? Of course it is all in God's perfect timing right. But every month when the evidence appears that I'm definitely not growing a tiny blessing inside, my heart breaks. All month long I pray, pray, pray. I check my heart to make sure I'm not making an idol of it, but I pray that God would bless us with what I know He designed me for. It makes me feel sick when I realize that every month I don't get pregnant means one more month at my job, away from the home where my heart truly is.

That is it. It is very difficult to not be jealous of the zillions of babies and pregnant woman that are every where I go. My evil hearts says "God I thought I already dealt with my impossible challenge! Why me, why us? We are committing everything to you, giving up so many comforts for your calling. Why would you not bless us with a child? Why would you give me such a deep yearning since I was so young to be a mother? I know you must have a reason and purpose but I just can't see it and it is breaking my heart!"

At the risk of making this way to long I will conclude as briefly as possible. First, I realized that though I thought we were controlling not having a baby the first few years of our marriage, once we decided to "try" I anticipated that meant instant pregnancy. When that didn't happen I was forced to realize I was not in control even from the beginning. There is nothing in my power that I can to to make myself pregnant, NOTHING! That is a shocking reminder of the illusion of control I have over other area's of my life as well. Second, it is possible with out this time of purifying (we'll call it) I might have ended up looking to motherhood for fulfillment and contentment that only God can bring, as I have spent at least 75% of my life joyfully anticipating motherhood. Third, praying, praying, praying. Yet another profound season of constant, desperate prayer, with many more to come I'm sure. And forth, empathy. Looking forward there is a pretty good chance that we will be having to counsel other couples through either temporary or permanent infertility. This time has and will enable us to encourage, pray for and cry with those couples in a deeper way than if we had not experienced this difficult time.

My heart is breaking but I am thankful for Romans 8:28
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."