The Greatest Gift & Reason to Rejoice!

"The Lord is my light and my strength, whom shall I fear? the Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?" Ps 27:1

"Bless the Lord, O my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul and forget not His benefits." Ps 103:1:2

It is so easy, and I so quickly shift into introspection, Turning my eyes on to myself and my circumstance is often times very bleak. Then trying to "buck up" and continue to be cheerful and pressing on. It gets exhausting really fast. Even praying from that place does not refresh in the same way. Everything remains gloomy, enjoyment of any sort never lasts long.

But turning my eyes to Jesus, filling my heart and mind with His wonderfulness, lifting my heart, lifting my voice and thoughts in praise and adoration, this frees me from the bondage of introspection. Truly feeling the greatness of God and allowing my heart to be moved to awe and wonder is the best and only remedy for self focused living (which end result is some form of depression.) There is nothing else we can do but look to Him! Thinking deeply on his glory and majesty, letting our hearts rejoice once again in the miracle that is Jesus Christ.

"He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us for our iniquities." Ps 103:10

We have not received what we deserve. God had mercy on us, furthermore, we have received what we do not deserve, salvation.

"The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." Ps 145:8

How great, how rich is that love! "That while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Rom 5:8

We were still enemies of God when Jesus Christ came down to earth, more humble than anyone has ever been, lived a sinless life and yet suffered as one who had sinned greatly. Not only did he suffer physically, but far worse, he took upon himself the wrath of God, which the Bible says was being stored up against us. He took the punishment that we deserved, so that we could become the righteousness of God. (2 Cor 5:2)

It doesn't matter who you are, or how difficult your life is right now, that is the greatest news anyone could ever hear, the greatest gift anyone could ever receive! That should give us reason to rejoice every single day!

"As high as the heavens above the earth, so great us his steadfast love toward those who fear him, as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us." Ps 103:11

Complications...

So we have had quite a few after surgery complications. My husband has spent 10 days and 9 nights in KGH spread out over a 4 week period. He just met with his surgeon this morning to schedule the take down (as they call it). Due to the intestines twisting and obstructions he will be having the take down 2 months sooner than planned. They like to give the internal pouch that they constructed at least 3 months to heal and before reconnecting the plumbing. But because he has been having so many issues that land him dehydrated, malnourished, in unbearable pain and in the ER, we want to try and stop that from happening. So surgery will either be this Thursday Dec 10th or next Thursday Dec 17th. Wow. I think I had an easier time with the first one, the thought of surgery again so soon makes my heart drop into my stomach. He has been through so much, he has not has a chance to regain any weight or even energy. To think of him having to fast again for another 3-5 days in not thrilling by any means.

No matter how many times you end up in the hospital there are parts that just don't get any easier. Yes, you figure out a schedule that works. You learn the best lunches and suppers to pack, you know how much money you need for parking during the week or on weekends. You get used to sleeping alone, and waking up alone. Making meals for one, how to stay some what entertained in the hospital. You learn to enjoy simple things, like a cup of coffee and a quite read at 6:00 the morning. But there are some things that you never get used to, like seeing the person you love more than anything in the world in so much pain they are crying, or vomiting, or seeing his slender frame pale in a baby blue hospital gown. You never get used to the feeling of helplessness. Even the smell of when you first walk in a hospital, it still makes my stomach turn a bit every time.

Anyway, the hope is that they will go in though the stoma opening (the place where the intestine is outside of his body) and reconnect everything, if the scar tissue that has been causing problems is located near the opening then they can cut it free and sew everything up, very small and relatively painlessly. But if the problem if further in and he has the same problems again after the reversal then they will have to re cut open the 12" incision they made to remove the colon originally, which means another long and painful recovery while the muscles have to heal all over again. We are praying that the latter option will not be the case. Please pray with me.
These are the requests:
The earlier surgery: so I can have my husband home and relatively functional for Christmas.
That the problem is located near the stoma: so that a simple less painful surgery will solve the problem.
That my dear husband will have physical strength as well as spiritual & emotional strength, through this exhausting process.
That I would be the encouraging supportive wife that God wants me to be physically, emotionally and spiritually strong. That I would not depend on my own strength but Gods!

Baby Blues

I stand in the foyer on the 3rd floor of KGH, my heart pounding in my chest, a few second feel like an hour. To my left, the man I love, in pain and probably lonely by now. To my right, tiny pink infants with freshly counted toes and fingers.... silently begging me to bust through the closed doors that display a large clearly printed sign, "Due to security issues only imitate family members will be allowed in maternity ward." Ah! If only I had not read the sign first, but it did and now I can't, in good conscience, step through those door on quest for a cuddly, little bundle of joy. Darn!

You would think my body would have better timing for this. Every time a see a baby it is like hunger pains jabbing my insides. It makes me ache thinking about having a little child growing inside my belly.

It has horrible timing, my husband has been off work for a year, 1 week and 2 days ... not that I have been counting, until just now. He needs a lot of time and attention due to his health problems, when we leave the hospital I become nurse as well and wife and financial provider (well God is that truly...but you know what I mean). Consider the circumstances you would think they would be the furthest thing from my mind. I could not think of a more inappropriate time to have this desire make itself almost unbearable.

Everywhere I look pregnant women, new born babies and adorable toddlers.
I am expecting a new niece in March and a new niece or nephew in June.

But beyond all reason, logic and whatever else is supposed to make you think sensibly, I feel like I could explode with .... well I don't even know what to call it.

Please God, I know you gave me this ... desire for a reason, but could you make it stop, just for a little while, or at least make it bearable... please.

La la la Life is Wonderful.... but hard

It has been a bit, so I felt the need to "spill my guts" so to speak.

Today is the one year anniversary of when my husband ended up in ER with Tuberculosis (as deadly and rampant as AIDS in 3rd world countries), pneumonia and ulcerative colitis (a previously existing illness) all at the same time. Strange that it feels like only days ago that we sat in the waiting room for hours. I watched several lab tech's take more and more of what little blood he had left. That was our first night apart. The memory floods me with all kinds of emotions, the smells and sounds are crisp in my memory, but mostly I'm filled with amazement, only by the grace God did we get through it.

Now a whole year later things don't feel much different. The man I love more than anything in the world is constantly wracked with pain, and in a similar state as this time last year. It has now been 2 weeks and 3 days since the ileostomy surgery that left him colon-less with a 12 inch incision, 24 staples in his abdomen, and a few other changes. Since being home there have been a few glimpses of him coming back to his normal self, but it all depends on what challenges the day brings. He is the bravest, strongest most godly man I have ever know. To me the matter of helping him with every little thing is a joy. To help ease any discomfort I possibly can, but everything is too little to be any real relief. That is the hardest part, not being able to do anything really, except pray, pray and pray.

So badly I want is to put up a strong front, and I do most of the time. But I would be fooling myself to say that I am perfectly fine, or that this isn't hard, that I don't fight back tears more often than I wish to. It is very hard. Yes, many, many people struggle through so much more than this their whole lives even. For us, God willing, this is just a season. A season of frustration and tears mixed with simple joys and the ever present grace, love and provision of a wonderful, merciful, extravagant, tangible, kind, just and awesome God. What else do I have but Him. It always comes to a crescendo when I have been struggling in my own strength and fighting, who knows what, it all builds up until I finally come to that wonderful, terrible place where I throw my hands to heaven, "I can't do this, God, I just can't!" and like the softest, gentlest, most tender hug, the reply is "You can't, but I can."And he reminds me that " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

His grace is sufficient for me.

I don't think it is necessary to say any more.

Great News & BIG Prayer Request!

Okay So I don't have a lot of time, but I need to update.

On Oct 26-28, we spent 3 12 hour days at a Church Planter Assessment. It was very encouraging but very intense. You basically have people watching you all the time. I don't really have the time to get into detail about the whole process, but we walked away extremely exhausted but extremely encouraged as well. At 7:52 pm October 28 we were officially welcomed as members of the BOCE (BC's Board Of Church Extension)! Which means come January, they will be working with us to prepare us as best as possible to plant a church with them. They are going to help him get some type of education (Biblical that is) as well as set him up in a an internship or apprenticeship program and pay him. We are so blessed. There were a lot of people there, assessee's and assessor's, that had a lot of encouragement and affirmation for both of us. All along the way leading up to this we kept expecting doors to shut, but they didn't! We are most likely the youngest, least experienced and least educated (Biblical) couple that they brought on. Which is awesome because it is not to our credit whatsoever, but only for God's glory!

This leads me to the BIG prayer request. Surgery is on this Thursday. Please pray, mostly for him mentally & spiritually, okay never mind pray for everything. It is a pretty big deal, there will be a fairly long recovery and a follow up surgery. So please, please pray specifically on November 5, but also the weeks following. He will be in the hospital for a week after, weird that it is pretty much a year later, and he is back in the hospital again. But we are trusting God! He is sovereign and He is in control of every single detail. Also pray that I will be the supportive encouraging wife I need to be through out this time, that God will continue to give me strength and peace to trust Him. It is so easy to let my mind drift into "what-if"s, which only result in fear and anxiety (AKA not trusting God) So pray against the "what-ifs" please!

Thanks you so much!
I'll keep you updated.

Prayer

Sometimes God is subtle, other times he is not. Lately he has not-so-subtly impressed on me the importance of prayer, prayer and more prayer. I have always been a firm believer in prayer. There have been times in my life I could not even breathe without a prayer, and other times that prayer has been sparse and heartless, possibly verging on irreverent. Lately it has been inescapable for me. Every sermon, every scripture and the circumstance God has placed me in have been all about prayer.

I find in my life I am constantly relearning everything pertaining to my walk with God. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in Kindergarten when it comes to faith, I have been failing and redoing it for around eighteen years now. It amazes me how I have everything memorized by heart, but in the situation of application I freeze up, and then do the opposite of what I am supposed to.

For example, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths" Proverbs 3:5-6. I have the memorized, but when it comes to making decisions or when problems arise my first reaction is stress, anxiety and trying to figure out how to fix it as fast as possible. AKA leaning on my own understanding. Do I acknowledge Him in everything? No. Do I trust that He is directing my paths? No. I worry, stress, plan, talk, and give myself ulcers and pretty much everything except trust. When I am finally at the place of total emotional and physical exhaustion, realizing that I am failing horribly not only at whatever it is I am trying to accomplish myself, but moreover, and much worse, failing at the one thing God has called me to; trust Him. Only then when I am in that place of brokenness do I cry out to God, knowing he is all I have. I realize that maybe when I was praying before it was just a back up plan, if I can't figure out how to fix this, hopefully God can. I am not an expert but I am pretty sure that is the wrong way to pray. “Here God have my leftovers.”

Prayer is essential. Prayer is powerful. Jesus prayed all the time. Thankfully He taught us how to pray. I am learning to pray for things I never thought to pray for. Like faith, when I am in a situation and getting stressed, I realize I am not trusting God, (Oh you of little faith), I ask God to by His grace, give me faith so that I can trust Him. Prayer is not just talking to God it is listening to him too. Sometimes I even pray that he will help me to pray more. The more I learn about God the more I want to pray to him, and the way I pray changes. I love to pray through scripture, it is so powerful to me.

The purpose of prayer is not that everything in my life is fixed but that God would be glorified. So how is God glorified by prayer? Prayer is the open admission that without Christ we can do nothing. And prayer is the turning away from ourselves to God in the confidence that he will provide the help we need. Prayer humbles us as needy and exalts God as wealthy.