La la la Life is Wonderful.... but hard

It has been a bit, so I felt the need to "spill my guts" so to speak.

Today is the one year anniversary of when my husband ended up in ER with Tuberculosis (as deadly and rampant as AIDS in 3rd world countries), pneumonia and ulcerative colitis (a previously existing illness) all at the same time. Strange that it feels like only days ago that we sat in the waiting room for hours. I watched several lab tech's take more and more of what little blood he had left. That was our first night apart. The memory floods me with all kinds of emotions, the smells and sounds are crisp in my memory, but mostly I'm filled with amazement, only by the grace God did we get through it.

Now a whole year later things don't feel much different. The man I love more than anything in the world is constantly wracked with pain, and in a similar state as this time last year. It has now been 2 weeks and 3 days since the ileostomy surgery that left him colon-less with a 12 inch incision, 24 staples in his abdomen, and a few other changes. Since being home there have been a few glimpses of him coming back to his normal self, but it all depends on what challenges the day brings. He is the bravest, strongest most godly man I have ever know. To me the matter of helping him with every little thing is a joy. To help ease any discomfort I possibly can, but everything is too little to be any real relief. That is the hardest part, not being able to do anything really, except pray, pray and pray.

So badly I want is to put up a strong front, and I do most of the time. But I would be fooling myself to say that I am perfectly fine, or that this isn't hard, that I don't fight back tears more often than I wish to. It is very hard. Yes, many, many people struggle through so much more than this their whole lives even. For us, God willing, this is just a season. A season of frustration and tears mixed with simple joys and the ever present grace, love and provision of a wonderful, merciful, extravagant, tangible, kind, just and awesome God. What else do I have but Him. It always comes to a crescendo when I have been struggling in my own strength and fighting, who knows what, it all builds up until I finally come to that wonderful, terrible place where I throw my hands to heaven, "I can't do this, God, I just can't!" and like the softest, gentlest, most tender hug, the reply is "You can't, but I can."And he reminds me that " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

His grace is sufficient for me.

I don't think it is necessary to say any more.