Baby Blues

I stand in the foyer on the 3rd floor of KGH, my heart pounding in my chest, a few second feel like an hour. To my left, the man I love, in pain and probably lonely by now. To my right, tiny pink infants with freshly counted toes and fingers.... silently begging me to bust through the closed doors that display a large clearly printed sign, "Due to security issues only imitate family members will be allowed in maternity ward." Ah! If only I had not read the sign first, but it did and now I can't, in good conscience, step through those door on quest for a cuddly, little bundle of joy. Darn!

You would think my body would have better timing for this. Every time a see a baby it is like hunger pains jabbing my insides. It makes me ache thinking about having a little child growing inside my belly.

It has horrible timing, my husband has been off work for a year, 1 week and 2 days ... not that I have been counting, until just now. He needs a lot of time and attention due to his health problems, when we leave the hospital I become nurse as well and wife and financial provider (well God is that truly...but you know what I mean). Consider the circumstances you would think they would be the furthest thing from my mind. I could not think of a more inappropriate time to have this desire make itself almost unbearable.

Everywhere I look pregnant women, new born babies and adorable toddlers.
I am expecting a new niece in March and a new niece or nephew in June.

But beyond all reason, logic and whatever else is supposed to make you think sensibly, I feel like I could explode with .... well I don't even know what to call it.

Please God, I know you gave me this ... desire for a reason, but could you make it stop, just for a little while, or at least make it bearable... please.