Monday, November 30, 2009

Baby Blues

I stand in the foyer on the 3rd floor of KGH, my heart pounding in my chest, a few second feel like an hour. To my left, the man I love, in pain and probably lonely by now. To my right, tiny pink infants with freshly counted toes and fingers.... silently begging me to bust through the closed doors that display a large clearly printed sign, "Due to security issues only imitate family members will be allowed in maternity ward." Ah! If only I had not read the sign first, but it did and now I can't, in good conscience, step through those door on quest for a cuddly, little bundle of joy. Darn!

You would think my body would have better timing for this. Every time a see a baby it is like hunger pains jabbing my insides. It makes me ache thinking about having a little child growing inside my belly.

It has horrible timing, my husband has been off work for a year, 1 week and 2 days ... not that I have been counting, until just now. He needs a lot of time and attention due to his health problems, when we leave the hospital I become nurse as well and wife and financial provider (well God is that truly...but you know what I mean). Consider the circumstances you would think they would be the furthest thing from my mind. I could not think of a more inappropriate time to have this desire make itself almost unbearable.

Everywhere I look pregnant women, new born babies and adorable toddlers.
I am expecting a new niece in March and a new niece or nephew in June.

But beyond all reason, logic and whatever else is supposed to make you think sensibly, I feel like I could explode with .... well I don't even know what to call it.

Please God, I know you gave me this ... desire for a reason, but could you make it stop, just for a little while, or at least make it bearable... please.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

La la la Life is Wonderful.... but hard

It has been a bit, so I felt the need to "spill my guts" so to speak.

Today is the one year anniversary of when my husband ended up in ER with Tuberculosis (as deadly and rampant as AIDS in 3rd world countries), pneumonia and ulcerative colitis (a previously existing illness) all at the same time. Strange that it feels like only days ago that we sat in the waiting room for hours. I watched several lab tech's take more and more of what little blood he had left. That was our first night apart. The memory floods me with all kinds of emotions, the smells and sounds are crisp in my memory, but mostly I'm filled with amazement, only by the grace God did we get through it.

Now a whole year later things don't feel much different. The man I love more than anything in the world is constantly wracked with pain, and in a similar state as this time last year. It has now been 2 weeks and 3 days since the ileostomy surgery that left him colon-less with a 12 inch incision, 24 staples in his abdomen, and a few other changes. Since being home there have been a few glimpses of him coming back to his normal self, but it all depends on what challenges the day brings. He is the bravest, strongest most godly man I have ever know. To me the matter of helping him with every little thing is a joy. To help ease any discomfort I possibly can, but everything is too little to be any real relief. That is the hardest part, not being able to do anything really, except pray, pray and pray.

So badly I want is to put up a strong front, and I do most of the time. But I would be fooling myself to say that I am perfectly fine, or that this isn't hard, that I don't fight back tears more often than I wish to. It is very hard. Yes, many, many people struggle through so much more than this their whole lives even. For us, God willing, this is just a season. A season of frustration and tears mixed with simple joys and the ever present grace, love and provision of a wonderful, merciful, extravagant, tangible, kind, just and awesome God. What else do I have but Him. It always comes to a crescendo when I have been struggling in my own strength and fighting, who knows what, it all builds up until I finally come to that wonderful, terrible place where I throw my hands to heaven, "I can't do this, God, I just can't!" and like the softest, gentlest, most tender hug, the reply is "You can't, but I can."And he reminds me that " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

His grace is sufficient for me.

I don't think it is necessary to say any more.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Great News & BIG Prayer Request!

Okay So I don't have a lot of time, but I need to update.

On Oct 26-28, we spent 3 12 hour days at a Church Planter Assessment. It was very encouraging but very intense. You basically have people watching you all the time. I don't really have the time to get into detail about the whole process, but we walked away extremely exhausted but extremely encouraged as well. At 7:52 pm October 28 we were officially welcomed as members of the BOCE (BC's Board Of Church Extension)! Which means come January, they will be working with us to prepare us as best as possible to plant a church with them. They are going to help him get some type of education (Biblical that is) as well as set him up in a an internship or apprenticeship program and pay him. We are so blessed. There were a lot of people there, assessee's and assessor's, that had a lot of encouragement and affirmation for both of us. All along the way leading up to this we kept expecting doors to shut, but they didn't! We are most likely the youngest, least experienced and least educated (Biblical) couple that they brought on. Which is awesome because it is not to our credit whatsoever, but only for God's glory!

This leads me to the BIG prayer request. Surgery is on this Thursday. Please pray, mostly for him mentally & spiritually, okay never mind pray for everything. It is a pretty big deal, there will be a fairly long recovery and a follow up surgery. So please, please pray specifically on November 5, but also the weeks following. He will be in the hospital for a week after, weird that it is pretty much a year later, and he is back in the hospital again. But we are trusting God! He is sovereign and He is in control of every single detail. Also pray that I will be the supportive encouraging wife I need to be through out this time, that God will continue to give me strength and peace to trust Him. It is so easy to let my mind drift into "what-if"s, which only result in fear and anxiety (AKA not trusting God) So pray against the "what-ifs" please!

Thanks you so much!
I'll keep you updated.