Relentless Patience

I just started the story of Moses this morning. God meets Moses through the burning bush, He calls himself "I AM WHO I AM" which is a whole other blog in itself (pretty crazy cool statement, I just love it!). Then I AM tells Moses, He is going to use him to free the Israelites from the oppression of the Egyptians. Moses is like, "Ummm, b-b-b-but God I'm not very good at t-t-t-talking, so you should probably find someone else." At that point, if I was God I would have smacked Moses upside the head. Moses you idiot, I just told you I AM WHO I AM!, isn't that enough for you? But God is far more patient that I am (thank God!). He does reprimand Moses though:

"Then the LORD said to him, "Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?" Exodus 4:11

Even after this Moses still insists God has the wrong guy for the job. The Lord is so patient with him. He even is so gracious as to give Moses his brother Aaron to do the public speaking for him. This shows me two things, God will accomplish His purpose no matter how rebellious His people are and God still uses us even though we don't believe Him like we should.

Think over the story of Moses as much as you can remember. God to did some insanely amazing things through Moses. There were the plagues, escape from Egypt, the parting of the Red Sea, the pillars of smoke and fire, the 10 commandments, the manna and quail, just to name a few. The same Moses screwed up, was stubborn, faithless and rebellious through out the whole journey to the promise land. How is that possible? Why would God use such a messed up guy? Yet He did and still does. It is almost like God prefers to use the weak... (that was kind of sarcastic, we know he does, 1 Cor 1:27)!

All this is very comforting to me as a stubborn woman who wants her own way and doesn't usually learn the first time around. I look at my life and think, wow, God has been very gracious to me. Yet so often choose to wallow in self pity because my life doesn't look the way I thought it would. Then I become even more frustrated with myself because of my lack of trust in God and how I am far more concerned with my own will than His. I seem to never quite get it. I feel like Moses, "but God I can't..." fill in the blank. Yet God is relentlessly patient with me. He is so gracious! He is so good. He will accomplish His purpose through me. Why? Because it is not about me, what I can or can't do. It is about HIM, what He is doing.

Jesus

I feel the need to share how I have been convicted twice now in the past few weeks.

The first time was when we were in Quebec City, the speaker was talking about gospel fluency and loving Jesus. He told a story about a young Christian guy in there community group who really enjoyed movies. A lady that came to there community group that was not a believer observed that he talked more about movies and was more passionate about sharing his opinion on them than he was about Jesus and the gospel. The speaker asked the question of us, "What would other people who know you say you are the most passionate about?" Yikes! I thought, for me I know it would not be Jesus, it would probably be fashion. Ouch. I let that thought go, but became painfully aware where most of my conversations went in the following weeks. Especially with women, it was shoes and hair and clothing. It was like God granted me a unique view on myself in conversation, I was observing myself externally. I was cut to the core. How is it possible that I am more passionate about fashion than Jesus! Jesus who dies for my sins, baring the wrath of God on Himself and giving me his perfect righteousness. Not because of anything I have done or could ever do, but simply because he loves me, and ultimately for His glory.

The second moment that drove the first conviction home was last night at the Church Planting BC banquet, a young apprentice was sharing the word with us and asked the question, "when the door is closed and the lights are off, where does your mind go first?" It breaks my heart and brings me to tears as I write to answer that question truthfully. My thoughts most often, when I am falling asleep at night, are what am I going to wear tomorrow and how will I do my hair! I so desperately wish I could tell you in all honesty I think of Jesus, but I don't!

So with a fresh understanding and reminder of how depraved I am in my flesh, I am humbled. I see myself and think how could He possibly love me? Chose me? Work through me? He is so patient, so gracious, so faithful, so kind and so good! I don't love Him, praise Him, honor Him, worship Him, speak of Him as I should, yet He remains the same towards me. He does not waver or hold back His love. He still pursues me, calls me, draws me and embraces me in is massive, loving fatherly arms!

As Paul says in Romans 7:24 & 25

"Wretched (wo)man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."

.... Romans 8:1-5

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit."

So sisters, please dare with me to ask yourself the same two question, everyday if necessary.

What do you talk about the most? What would other people say you are the most passionate about?

When the lights are off and the door is closed what is your first thought? Where does you mind go first when you are alone?

Sovereignty

As women, I believe it is absolutely vital that we have solid theology. It is easy enough to be content with the basics of the gospel. God create the earth, man sinned, Jesus the son of God was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, died for our sins, bore the wrath of God upon himself, rose from the dead, ascended to heaven and is coming again. This is very important to know and believe. But this is a skeleton. It brings you to a saving relationship with God the Father. We can't just stop there, leaving the deep stuff to the men. Should I care about the perfect sovereignty of God, the inerrancy of scripture, pineal substitutionary atonement, election, total depravity and so forth? Of course the answer is yes, yes, yes!

I believe it is essential to have a robust view of the meticulous sovereignty of God. Meaning God is in total control of everything and ordained every single detail of every single moment of history. Think of a rain drop, God is in control of where it falls, when it falls, at what speed and what quantity of water it contains. From the huge details, like the location of continents and World Wars, to small details like the color of your eyes, but also the seemingly unimportant details like how many leaves are on each tree in the whole world or when and how each ant dies. Allow your self a moment to think of all the biggest and smallest things that are occurring on this planet. Our Father God isn't only in control of each thing (as we discuses in the previous blog "Powerful") he actually planned every single detail before he created the earth.

How can we possibly deal with pain, suffering, sickness, death, poverty, infertility, betrayal and all of the hardships in life, if we don't believe in a God who is completely in control of every last detail?

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Phillipians 1:6

Ephesians 2:10 "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

God had blessed me from a young age with a deep love for scripture which led me to see his meticulous sovereignty. If he had not blessed me with this understanding of him I honestly don't know what I would have done through out my husband's illnesses and times in the hospital. Sitting beside Matt in the hospital, totally powerless except for prayer, while he was weak and gripped with excruciating pain. During the times of having to go to bed at night while he was curled in pain up on the floor unable to eat or drink, but I had to go to work in the morning, so all I could do was pray as I fell asleep. Yet I had peace! Through countless hospital visits, all the complications, disappointments and frustrations. Yes, God blessed me with a peace that passes understanding, but I believe that peace was rooted in the understanding that we were in the center of our loving Fathers will, not only that but he planned every detail before there was time. And that ultimately it would work out for His glory. So if there was a moment of weakness or selfishness, it was only because I wanted my glory more than His.

1 Peter 5:10"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

This is my favorite doxology,

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
"For who has known the mind of the Lord,
or who has been his counselor?"
"Or who has given a gift to him
that he might be repaid?"

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:33-36

Powerful

"Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created."Revelations 4:11

God is powerful. Far beyond our understanding. He created everything. He merely spoke and everything that we know, and have not yet discovered, came in to existence. There was nothing, darkness and a void as Genesis says, and then there was everything. Because of his will he created. I can sit down and exert my will, every last ounce of it, but nothing will happen. I can try to speak things that are not into existence, but nothing will happen. Why? Because I am powerless, I am limited to only create from what God has already created.

The following verses are all in reference to Jesus.

Colossians 1:17 says. "And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together."

or Romans 11:36, "For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen."

Finally, Hebrews 1:3 "He is radiance of the glory of God and the imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power."

Of course, I can never say it better that the Word of God does, but what I can do is bring some of the scripture together to show you what is undeniable. One might picture God on his thrown in heaven, arms crossed peering down at earth every now and again to make sure we don't make a total mess of things. But scripture shows us that is completely incorrect, he is so utterly involved, he is constantly, unceasingly sustaining the earth! Not only did he create everything by his word, but it only continues to exist by his word, minute to minute, second to second. You only take your next breath because it is God's will to give it to you.

From the greatest miracle, to the tiniest detail, God is perpetually, willfully sustaining it all. God is carrying the earth in it's orbit and causing every single rotation. If he stopped we would lose gravity... then what? We can only try to imagine what chaos that would be.

No matter who we are or who long we have been a Christian, our view of God too small, in fact it is miniscule. That is not an insult, it is simply the truth. Our finite minds can not comprehend and infinite God. But that does not mean we shut off our brains and stop trying. On the contrary, it should inspire us to know every bit of Him we possibly can!

"... the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints." Col 1:26 (Paul is referring to the Preeminence of Christ which he was speaking of in Col 1:15-21, a great read but too long to tackle in an already long post.)

As humans, in our rational minds we measure everything, time, distance, speed, age, sound, energy, mass and the list goes on. But we do not have a human measurement system to measure the power of God by. The thing is we should not use the word powerful to define God, on the contrary we should use God to define the word powerful. What I am trying to say is that in the same way we say, "God is love" instead of "God has love" which would mean it is in a measurable amount. We can say "God is power", and let all other powers be brought to scale using him as the standard.

I know this is already long, I may have lost some of you, but what is the point of all this if it doesn't change us? It is useless to know about God, the Pharisee's knew about God and we all know how JC felt about them! Better understanding the power of God should cause us to love him more, desire him more, dig more deeply into his word, long for his glory in our lives more, to trust him more and seek out His will our lives.

More

This morning as I was reading my Bible, Rev. 2:4 “But this I have against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.”, I realized that it has been a long time since I felt a deep surge of love and joy, in and for my Savior. As painful as this is to admit, I have been spiritually stagnant. I have been in this place for far too long. My heart has been too satisfied by finite things, earthly things, and selfish things. I find my tendency is to get caught up in everything other than knowing my heavenly Father more. But I came to the place this morning where I am not okay with it any longer. It is destressing to realize once again that I don’t love Him as I should, I don’t desire him as I should, I don’t fear Him, serve Him or find joy in Him as I should. I hate that. The disgust I feel with the state of my own heart is a gift from God for which I am thankful. The desire for deeper intimacy with him has filled me like a cup under a dripping faucet, one drop at a time until it finally spills over. I can’t be content any longer; I must have more of Him!

There is a split second of confusion… but how? Then I am flooded with gratefulness for the Word. I am so thankful that I know if I seek Him I will find (Matt 7:7 & Jer 29:13), if I ask for wisdom He will give it to me (James 1:5), if I wait on Him I will find rest for my soul (Matt 11:29), if I ask for more of the Spirit He will give it generously (Luke 11:13). Over the past few years I have grown in my reliance on God for my physical needs. I am blessed to say that most of the time my first reaction to a physical need, great or small, is to pray and ask my heavenly Father and then trust that he will provide. When I comes to my spiritual needs and growth I usually try to slug along in my own strength, acting like it is in my own hands. If I just try hard enough I can do it, right? But this always brings me to a place of exhaustion, frustration and even despair, down on my knees before my Savior. Not only is He the only one who can satisfy my spiritual needs, but He wants to bless me to over flow, to be brimming with His glory.

I am reminded of a great quote by C. S Lewis from his Book “The Weight of Glory”

“Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak.
We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

I definitely could not say it any better. I encourage you to ask yourself, “Am I too easily pleased?” What a wonderful, amazing God we serve. He is so far beyond our comprehension, so perfect and holy and yet he wants to be known by us! Jesus humbled Himself, even to death on a cross (Phil 2:8) to restore us to right relationship with the Father. So then, “Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God; let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

Sisters, let us press in to know Him more. If you recognize that you don’t even desire Him the way you should, pray. Ask Him to give you a desire to know Him more, a desire to be consumed by Him. He will do it! Grab you Bible and your journal sit down, dig in and ask for more.

Provision: Part 3

"But seek first the kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:33-34

In the Old Testament God commands the Israelites to remember what He has done. The passover was to remember and was also a beautiful foreshadowing of the death of Jesus for our sins. When they crossed the Jordan River to enter the promise land God commanded them to build a monument so they would remember what He had done. Many times the Israelites are instructed by God to remember to remember the miracles. I deeply believe in the importance of remembering and sharing what God has done. David said, "I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together." Ps 34:1-3

My goal in sharing this is that you would exalt His name with me.

This story of Gods provision may be minor in comparison to Him providing a place to live, blessing my job situation or keeping my husband alive. But to me it shows how loving He is and faithful in the smaller details. When we first got married God blessed us with the money to by a beautiful good quality loveseat and sofa set. Upon moving to Vancouver we had to leave behind our sofa due to lack of space. The new place we are moving into has space restrictions as well but we are determined to figure out the best way to fit the most people in our living room with out making it too crowded.

After a trip to Ikea and a perfect to scale drawing of the new place (thanks to my dear husbands carpentry skills) we hashed out a plan on how to maximize seating without cramping the space. This meant the TV got the boot to the second bedroom. We also realized there was no way to fit a loveseat and a sofa in together. We picked out the perfect combo, a sofa with chaise lounge attached from Ikea, we even picked out the material we wanted. The only problem was the cost. Not that we couldn't take it out of our saving but we were debating how important it was for us to have that exact set up. We prayed and trusted that God would provide what He wanted. My heart was firm, we would not spend the extra money we would find something else on Craigslist. So I typed into the Craigslist search, "Karlstad sofa with chaise lounge" Bingo! The day before someone had posted one... Crazy right. Crazier still it was the exact material we had pick. It was still available and it was half the price of the new one. It had hardly been used. On top of it all, the girl selling it was storing it at her mothers. The mother said she didn't mind keeping it there until we were able to pick it up, even if it was until we moved to our new place saving us having to move it twice. But seriously, the exact couch with chaise lounge in the exact material we wanted. God, you are so good!

I'm sure you know this already, but it is not about the sofa. As Matt and I move forward in what God has called us to it will be hard. There will be all kinds of opposition. First off our own sinful nature that would rather pursue pleasure and comfort. Well meaning Christians who don't understand the vision. The practical aspect of fleshing our what we need to do in the place and time we live in. Spiritual opposition that will only get stronger the more we seek first the Kingdom and the more God uses us to call people enslaved to sin to himself. The list could go on, but you get the point. We know God has called us to reach the lost people in Vancouver. We feel the best way to do this is through prayer, the living out and preaching of the gospel, personal discipleship and family-like community. As challenges come God has blessed us with so many "Jordan crossings" that we can be confident we are exactly where He wants us. When I'm feeling overwhelmed and confused or frustrated, I can make my cup of tea, grab my Bible and journal and curl up in my Karlstad sofa chaise lounge in "Sivik Dark Gray" and remember how God brought us this far. How He is faithful in the big and small things.

"Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable. One generation will commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts. On the glorious splendor of your majesty and on your wondrous works, I will mediate. They will speak of the might of your awesome deeds and I will declare your greatness. They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness and sing aloud your righteousness."

Ps 145:3-7

Will be continued sometime in the future, I'm sure.

Provision: Part 2

"But seek first the kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:33-34

It has been 3 months, maybe longer since Matt and I started discussing my work situation and wondering if it would be best to change it. I like my job, but I'm not a career woman. I have always felt like a square peg in a round hole at my jobs and among the ladder climbing woman I have worked with. It has been the cause of many, many tears and frustrations for me. I can't seem to do the Christian-wife-full-time-work-housekeeper-cook thing and not drop the ball some where. Or if I'm not dropping the ball in an area, I'm on edge and totally stressed. Let's be honest when you drop the ball it is never my work that suffers, it is usually my time with God that whittles down to little or none. As the discussion began I was overwhelm with a feeling of failure. Why can't I keep it all together? It seems like other woman can do it, they make it look easy even. So why can't I?

Well first of all, who are those other women? Good question right. "They" are out there for all of us. Those women who seem to manage to do the thing we can't perfectly. They look perfect, have perfect clean house, adoring husbands, University degrees, great careers, perfect children, love Jesus, are serving at church, the whole bloody gambit! (They would never say bloody!) She has it all together, right? But who are they? Can you name one that you actually have a relationship with? I can't, but for some reason I still think "They" are out there, those perfect women. But "They" don't exist!

So after more tearful conversations, Matt and I decided I would quit my job and find part time work. Not so I could laze around, I'm not the lazing type. Actually I have the opposite problem, I would run myself ragged to make sure everything gets done. As we start at the new church something that is extremely imporant to us is community. I'm not talking about small groups, I mean living life together as a family. Having our home open to people. Inviting people into our lives to be discipled, loved and nurtured, both physically and spiritually. Working full time including my daily commute, being a good wife, staying on top of the house work and meals, not to mention nurturing my own relationship with God, leaves me no room to add anything. I know it is important to see my job as a blessing from God for the way it supports us financially and also I know my work is a mission field in itself, but The most precious commodity I have is time. I want to be investing my time in more things that are eternally valuable.

The morning I planned to give notice, driving in Matt said, "Wouldn't it be cool if they changed it to a part time position for you?" Yes, it would be cool, but it has always been a full time position, it needs to be. So I walked into my manager's office, letter in hand to let her know I was going to leave in a month. I let her know I like the job and was only leaving because I needed to be working part time. She said, "Would you stay if we could make it part time for you?", Ah YES! And that is what happened. She got it approved by the Executive Director. We hashed out a plan. I would start off with just Fridays off until they hired someone for our dept. that they have been looking for since she let someone go in March. Once that person was trained the two assistants in our dept. would each work a day at reception and I would work three!

Praise the Lord, only he could do that. He is so good, so faithful! He alone will be glorified on this earth and for eternity!

"Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen." Hebrews 13:20&21

To be continued...

Provision: Part 1

"But seek first the kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:33-34

Over the past month or so God has been tangibly showing his faithfulness to us in unexpected ways. There are many, many big and small areas that He has chosen to glorify himself, but I will not give an exhaustive list, rather highlight some of the bigger ways.

First off our new place in East Van. We had been focusing our attention on a specific area, being that we feel it might be where God wants us to plant. It is extremely important to us to be living in the neighborhood we want to plant in. While driving home from an unsuccessful trip to the area in searching for a place to rent, out of the blue Matt wondered aloud, "Do you think we should look at the map of Vancouver again, to make sure we still feel we are looking in the right area?". Okay, why not? Once home Matt discovered an area we had never noticed before. (It is called Grandview-Woodland, sounds nice right) Why don't we start looking there? It was between where we had been looking and where we would be working in a plant for the next 2 years. The only problem was we had not seen anything come up for rent in that exact area. None the less Matt picked out a rectangular area on the map based on some of the main roads, "Wouldn't it be cool if we could move right into the centre of that area?" Next day a place popped up smack dap in the center! We go see it. It is not prefect, no dishwasher, stained carpets and a bit smaller than we had hoped for. But there were many things about it we loved, the young couple who own it and live up stairs in particular. The only problem was, it was to be rented for August 1, and we are in a lease until August 31. But we prayed and applied anyway. They offered us the place for August 15th, but we could not justify paying half a months rent at 2 places, especially not when rent is as high as it is around here! We even had family generously offer to pay for the 1/2 month if we really wanted the place. But we felt firmly, if it was God who wanted us there, it would be more cost effective to let him figure it out. We told them no, but we wish we could, and lets get together for a BBQ sometime anyway. One hour later the phone rang again, "We would like to offer the place to you for Sept 1st, it is important to us that we have the right people." Thank you Jesus!

So I don't have a dishwasher and it has a very small living room. BUT it is on a lovely street, with character homes and large beautiful trees that arc over the street. We are close to everything we need. We'll have lots of windows with screens, it is bright, we have a second bedroom and we are exactly where God wants us to be, because it was only Him who could have done it. Oh, and while they were getting it painted they decide to have the carpets replaced as well, too much! He gets all the glory, that is the way it should be. Plus I'll have the opportunity to pray more and memorize scripture as I wash all the dishes by hand.

God is so faithful. He is so good! He provides exactly what we need.

"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into this world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content." 1 Timothy 6:6-8

To be continued...

Change Vs. Consistency

Since getting married, each year has brought about considerable changes. Only 2 months after we celebrated our first anniversary Matt’s health had spiraled down to the point where he was skin and bones (literally!) laying in a hospital bed with TB, pneumonia and out of control ulcerative colitis. Matt had to leave his job, we moved out of our beloved first apartment and withdrew all our long term savings, losing half of them because of timing (2008 market crash) just to mention a few things that assailed us during that time. A month shy of a year later, seeking some stability for Matt’s unpredictable health we decided to have the malfunctioning colon removed, presenting a whole new plethora of daily challenges. After a roller coaster year to partial recovery we found ourselves packing up our stuff to move to Burnaby for Matt to start a one year pastoral internship at Willingdon Church.

The above paragraph barely scratches the surface of the first 3 years of our marriage. Looking over it in words, it seems so simplified, maybe it wasn’t that bad. But is was very hard, very messy, very testing and faith producing. Every hurdle, every challenge, every obstacle, every tear was an opportunity for God to show his faithfulness, his love and his grace in our lives.

To continue, thirteen months of health struggles, successes and huge job decisions has landed us were we are now; moving to East Van and starting a Church Planting apprenticeship. As we plan for the move that will be taking place in the next few weeks, I wonder, how long will this season last? How long will we be living in this basement suite or be at Reality for? We have said two years, but that is one year of being a part of the Church as a pastoral couple and then the next year (maybe less) will be preparing for our own plant. Will that be long enough to feel a sense of consistency?

I have always been the one to enjoy change, but now it is losing it’s luster. Maybe I am getting old. I am very excited for the up coming move and changes, but deep down there is a part of me that is just wanting to sink into a totally normal, predictable rhythm for at least one year. Completely void of emergency rooms, blood transfusions, life altering decisions and the like. There is definitely a conflict inside me between my enjoyment in change and my desire for regularity. I can’t figure out if there is somehow a right or wrong way to feel, considering they are opposites. Is it wrong to crave consistency even though God so clearly has me on a path of annual change? How much harder would it be to add child into the mix. I can only imagine my desire for consistency would deepen. I want to not only be okay with the changes, but have joy, rest in Him and flourish where ever He places me, no matter how volatile the situation is.

I feel like a field that is tilled every fall and planted with something new every season. Experiencing continual weeding, pruning and even uprooting. I know God is changing me, purifying me and making me the tiniest bit more like Him with every challenge, all for His glory and my good. No matter how “normal” my life might be He will not stop working on me. It is moments like this where I need to remind myself, this is not my home. It will never be. As comfortable as I try to make myself here I will always have an inward groaning for another place. The place I was created for, heaven.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Confession

So the plan was to blog about Chicago and tell you what an awesome time it was. How great the Gospel Coalition conference and speakers were. What I learned, the books I bought and all about getting stuck in Minneapolis over night.

Or I could reflect on Good Friday and Easter, what could be more important then the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ? Well nothing actually and I could probably come up with some encouraging compelling things to say that would make me feel really spiritual and maybe convince my self that I really am doing okay. But the truth is I'm not okay. And I hate blogging when I don't have it all together. I would rather wait till I'm through the thick of it and write looking back in joyful reflection of God's grace on my life.

But here I am unable to find anything to distract myself from the fragile state of my heart. Here it is; we have being "trying" to conceive for 6 months now. I just got my period yesterday, enough said, right? This is such a surprise, I never guessed that it would be us who would be unable to get pregnant. I know, I know, it is only 6 month, average is 6 months to 1 year anyway. But who doesn't expect to get pregnant right way? It is what our bodies were designed for. Yes, I'm regular, I have not been on the pill for well over 1.5 years, I eat healthy, take vitamins, exercises, drink lots of water, I'm not super stress, I rarely drink alcohol and never exceed 2 cups of coffee in the day, but usually only have one. Is there anything else? Before we jump to Matt, 80% of infertility is because of the woman. He is healthier than he has ever been (though still loosing blood daily) He is eating well, taking vitamins, exercising (like crazy!) drinking water, sleeping well and is only stressed occasionally. Finally, everything is fine in the bed room.

So then, what is going on? Of course it is all in God's perfect timing right. But every month when the evidence appears that I'm definitely not growing a tiny blessing inside, my heart breaks. All month long I pray, pray, pray. I check my heart to make sure I'm not making an idol of it, but I pray that God would bless us with what I know He designed me for. It makes me feel sick when I realize that every month I don't get pregnant means one more month at my job, away from the home where my heart truly is.

That is it. It is very difficult to not be jealous of the zillions of babies and pregnant woman that are every where I go. My evil hearts says "God I thought I already dealt with my impossible challenge! Why me, why us? We are committing everything to you, giving up so many comforts for your calling. Why would you not bless us with a child? Why would you give me such a deep yearning since I was so young to be a mother? I know you must have a reason and purpose but I just can't see it and it is breaking my heart!"

At the risk of making this way to long I will conclude as briefly as possible. First, I realized that though I thought we were controlling not having a baby the first few years of our marriage, once we decided to "try" I anticipated that meant instant pregnancy. When that didn't happen I was forced to realize I was not in control even from the beginning. There is nothing in my power that I can to to make myself pregnant, NOTHING! That is a shocking reminder of the illusion of control I have over other area's of my life as well. Second, it is possible with out this time of purifying (we'll call it) I might have ended up looking to motherhood for fulfillment and contentment that only God can bring, as I have spent at least 75% of my life joyfully anticipating motherhood. Third, praying, praying, praying. Yet another profound season of constant, desperate prayer, with many more to come I'm sure. And forth, empathy. Looking forward there is a pretty good chance that we will be having to counsel other couples through either temporary or permanent infertility. This time has and will enable us to encourage, pray for and cry with those couples in a deeper way than if we had not experienced this difficult time.

My heart is breaking but I am thankful for Romans 8:28

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

The Road less Traveled

So you probably didn't know this because I have not shared it, but my dearest wonderful husband was offered a position at Willingdon Church. They offered him the young adults pastor position! He has been blessed with unbelievable favor at Willingdon. I know he is amazing but it was recognized by many, many pastors and leaders there. Of course it is only by God's grace Matt found such favor. We have spent the past 2 months (feels like much longer) on a roller coaster of deciding between staying at Willingdon or Church Planting BC. We have never been in this position before. We look down each road as far as we could possibly conceive and can see so clearly how God could bless each one. Two doors wide open seemingly equal. Or as the Frost poem goes,

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could"

My husband is such a deep thinker, when it comes to such big decisions he goes back and forth from one extreme to the other in sometimes a matter of days. It drives me crazy, but by God's grace I had patience and peace that God would direct us in the choice. Part of the problem was that I feel perfectly happy and at peace with either one. A highlight of each would be, staying at Willingdon means a possibility of having them help Matt get his Masters (or at least start it), a stable, secure place to start family and for Matt's health to stabilize. Church Planting BC, following the original felt call, Matt being able to use his gift more freely, more opportunity to reach the lost. Matt is an evangelist! I didn't have a clue when I married him, but praise the Lord, my heart soars far above the earth when I hear him preach the pure gospel, Christ crucified.

With just a glimpse I hope you can see that both roads seem very good, even godly. Both sides so excited to have us with them, recognizing Matt's gifts and call.

I have become even more of a prayer reliant wife.

Finally after a few months of prayer, conversations, more prayer and more conversations, God has guided my husband to make a decision. This past week he pulled the plug on the conversion with Willingdon in asking them to take him off the table for the position. It actually took two tries, the first time they asked him to wait, but the next day he sat down again with them again. Willingdon was really disappointed. There are certain people who were really praying we would stay, those conversions are the hardest. I am very relieved to have that over, for now.

So call me a Church Planters wife again, well at least in September.

I'm so thankful for God's grace and guidance in this decision, and for a godly husband.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference"

Breaking the Silence

Well, it has been a while. The longer it is the harder it becomes to blog. I never know where to start. So much and so little to say all at the same time. I felt like if I just start of with something to "break the silence" maybe it won't be so long till the next time I blog again.

Recently I have been working on spending more time expressing myself through creative projects I enjoy. I think it feeds my soul. Sometimes I wonder why I get so much pleasure out of creating. I wonder if it is worth while for me to spend my time and energy making things. Then I remember God is the ultimate creator. I probably love it so much because I am His child, created in His likeness. When I look at it from that perspective it only makes since. It is simply a love I inherited from my heavenly father. That being said, I've been spending more time drawing, painting, knitting and crafting in general. It brings me so much joy. Oh, I wish I had a sewing machine. I sometimes day dream of all the things I would make. No sense in getting one now though, we don't even have a table to put it on, not even a desk for that matter. 517 square feet leaves only room for the necessities. No complaints though, all in due time.

I am also working on (or being worked on, rather) being content with what I have. In some area's this is easy, in other area's I feel my foolish heart will never learn. For example I am perfectly happy never owning my (our) own home. On the other had for some reason I always "need" a particular item of clothing. Black flats, a new sweater, pants for work, a new jacket. Little things, things I would not spend more than $20.00 on, but I think about them until I have them. If only I could channel my determination into something a bit more useful. Some how I get confused, I start thinking that thing I want will make me feel content. Wrong! Of course it is wrong, but my fleshly thoughts are so sneaky. I am very thankful to be married for many reasons, but because of my struggle in this area I am extra grateful to God for my dear husband. He is very gentle about it, but always lets me know when I am being lead by me fleshly desires and not my God given ones. Many times he is so right it makes me mad! How foolish I can be.

On the other hand, I am reaping the fruit of submission to God's conviction and my husbands gentle leading. I have more joy! More peace and more freedom when I listen. When I put to death my fleshly desires. Of course there are more ways then just wanting new clothing that I notice my discontentment. Much more serious ways. It is absolutely necessary for me to realize, it is not about the clothes, it is about the idolatry in my heart. It is the fleshing out of me not truly believing in my heart that He is enough for me. His grace is enough for me!

I never get sick of that song, even though I think we sing it every Sunday and then some. If that is what it takes to remind me, His grace is enough for me, then I'll sing it all day everyday.

"Your grace is enough, your grace is enough, your grace is enough for me"!